On Mon, 19 Nov 2007 08:46:16 -0800 (PST), George Dance
<georgedance04@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote:
>January
>
>Black bough against white
>with one tan smear,
>a leaf unfallen.
>
>------------
>
>February
>
>The unnoticed dream:
>ocean waves in winter,
>the curve of your cheek.
>
>------------
>
>March
>
>Snow becomes mud
>becomes a mighty river
>to the young boy.
>
>------------
>April
>
>Sky a cold shower,
>all the ground yellow-green;
>the kindest month.
>
>------------
>
>May
>
>Bright flowers crawl
>from torn silk,
>dry and blow away.
>
>------------
>
>June
>
>How like a tree
>to strew its blossoms
>over my flowerbed!
>
>------------
>
>July
>
>Children gasp
>as the sky comes alive
>with friendly fire.
>
>------------
>
>August
>
>
>Sun-hardened earth
>waits panting for the first
>crack of thunder.
>
>------------
>
>September
>
>Can I touch you in autumn,
>beautiful soft-skinned one
>fragrant with heady wishes?
>
>
>- by VizantOr*
> (translated by George Dance)
>
>------------
>
>October
>
>How soon leaves fall:
>green, canary, brown
>trampled alike on the ground.
>
>
>------------
>
>
>November
>
>dying land
>crying sky
>cold, cold tears
>
>
>------------
>
>
>December
>
>
>Entire city ablaze
>with lights of every colour,
>staving off the black.
George, you have limited yourself to three lines and few words which ought
to make you consider how many color descriptions you should pack into each
line. You might consider another sense too besides sight. There are very
few fresh images. The only line of promise, the only one that sticks with
me at all, is "from torn silk". I object strongly to your April offering.
Your first two lines are those color descriptions and your last line an
unsup****ted allusion. If you're going to do that, convince us with
something other than the cold shower sky and yellow green ground. They
don't sell April as the kindest month. Consider making November a country
song. OK, don't, I'm joking. But the cliche crying sky must go!
Karla
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