P E I (a parable for the 21st century)
Smoking excellent bud here...rewarded by a remarkable vision,
unfolding now as I write:
This is going to be an INCREDIBLE holiday season for ALL ***ual
minorities WORLDWIDE. A sweeping VICTORY will be nothing short of
BREATHtaking to every sentient species that exists, did exist, and
ever WILL exist in the entire UNIVERSE!
I ask my angels what, specifically, will occur? But they don't say
NUTTIN to me...just shake their darling heads in pity, keep their
gorgeous DUDE mouths tightly sealed. (Oh! I want to touch each angel's
tongue with my own. How they tease me, nasty cherubs! They're all GAY
ya know, and male.)
A circle of admoni****ng seraphim fingers: "No, Zeke, we most CERTAINLY
can't tell you THAT!" A circle in which I'm the bullseye. And here
comes Cupid's Arrow (or, more apt: The Caduceous Of Apollo).
What the angels won't tell, I imagine...at least SEVERAL
possibilities, such as:
- The Pope suddenly denounces all homophobes, and promotes gay rights
VIGOROUSLY, scowling at and condemning anyone to hell, who is shown by
The Holy Ghost to be in any way, shape, or form, the LEAST bit
prejudiced against queers. The cardinals decide he suffered an
aneurism, and surreptiously poison his espresso every morning until he
finally p***** away five months later, right when the clock strikes
midnight and Lammas begins!
- Inspired by my Final Testament (or Faggot Bible) website, Islam's
highest emus...er, imams, apologize to the world for their sins
against gays, and become a global peace force dedicated to the
protection and salvation of ALL queers, everywhere, naming themselves
"The Blue Rose Militia." They first attack and defeat the United
States, converting every single citizen (down to the very LEAST of
them, which are fetuses) to 100% homo***ual status. The destiny above
this one gets swept up, too.
- Gay women and men everywhere on the planet, suddenly have this
miraculous power to heal anyone from anything, no matter how
horrendous. Got cancer? Sure, I can heal that! Coronary Thrombosis?
Piece o' cake! Parkinson's Disease? A walk in the park! Alzheimer's?
Well here, lemme-jus see first if you're hetero or not...[ snap ]!
Lupis? Hmmm, inherited werewolf genes...a piss in the bush! Just lock
yourself up every full moon and call me in the morning! Bring 'em back
to life? Sure, we do resurrections, but it's gonna cost! AIDS? Waddya
kiddin' me? You must be verklempt! Of COURSE we have gays. We have all
the gays you WANT in heaven. We got black gays, we got white gays. We
got red gays, we got yellow, we got ALL colors and sizes to meet your
every wish! We got gays who are tops, gays who are bottoms, gays who
like it ANY which-way! We got gays for days, and gays amaze! (Shall I
rephrase?) We got gays forever and ever and ever, and we even got gays
for inclement weather! We got gays in the back seat, gays in the
front...gays in the factories, and gays that are ****s! We have gays
up your anus, and gays down your throat...gays who will put out, for
the price of a boat (and a castle or two, surrounded by moat)! We got
gays in the hallway, gays in mid-flight, gays in the daytime, and gays
after night. We got gays in your trailer, gays in a tent...gays so
damn cute, they don't have to pay rent! We got gays in the water, gays
in the sky...but not in your daughter, I don't wonder why. Gays on the
TV, gays on the floor...gays who don't need me, and gays who want
more! We got gays at the movies, gays at the store...gays who go
bankrupt, and turn into whores. We got gays on the masthead, gays on
the crown, gays in the rec room, gays on the town. We got gays in the
classroom, and gays up in space...gays who are pretty, and gays with
no face. Gays who do prep work, gays who mow lawns...gays who steal
doorknobs and those we adore. Gays who eat halvah, gays who eat
steak...and gays who eat blowfish, oh give me a break! We have
Oh...did you say AIDS? Never mind!
ALL destinies above this one get swept up, too.
- Destiny sweeps me up, and I ascend to global reknown as the FINEST
gay activist, philosopher, healer, companion, iconoclast and Futurama
fan EVER. I am decorated with many medals by every nation on earth,
including the newest: world's first gay nation of "Athenia", formerly
northern California. Of which I am co-president along with my long-
lost-soulmate-but-suddenly-found-after-more-than-15-years-MIA Vietnam
Veteran, Gay Activist, handsomest man on the planet by light years,
and all-around GREATEST good buddy in the universe: Randolph Louis
(chipmunk) Taylor. I order a marijuana pizza w/pineapple, extra cheese
and fresh basil, from the comfort of my waterbed. ALL destinies above
this one get swept up, too.
- Destiny sweeps me up, and I suddenly inherit the northern tip of
Scotland and ALL its islands, thanks to an ancient sorceror's bloody
compact between the Iberian celts and the Brits. My gay writing
becomes published and distributed throughout the planet, and my gay
rights button-and-decal designs manufactured everywhere, even on T-
****rts, coffee mugs, keychains, major air****t concreted runways, and
boxer briefs! I become the wealthiest man on the planet, and can do
whatever the friggin heck I want! So I declare myself dictator of all
the land, all the sea, all the air, and even of all the heavens
beyond. Thus begins the incredible (and true) Parable of Big Gay
Brother! Welcome to Brave New ZEKE'S World!. ALL destinies above this
one get swept up, too.
- Destiny sweeps me up, and my Mighty Mouse Virus that I released in
2002, is a bold and daring success! This virus is dedicated to Gay
Emancipation, and will take over all intelligent technological systems
on the planet...in other words: "computer chips!" MMV (Mighty Mouse
Virus) is also FIRST dedicated to my own happiness, safety, and ***
life as THE most im****tant activist living, in our global-wise gay
community. Lose me, and you lose everything! I am indefatigably
indiSPENSiboo-bobble-lo-bobble-loo--BOO! The US and other governments
attempt to sabotage MMV by distributing their OWN bleeding-edge AI
virus, but fail miserably, and go down in shame as "mmv"...all
lowercase meaning "mickey mouse virus." ALL destinies above this one
get swept up, too.
- Destiny sweeps me up: the whole gay community wakes up to my
greatness, and provides me with my own NICE home w/tons of FABULOUS
boyfriends and occasional Rental Dudes, my own office in downtown
Berkeley, and a castle in Wales, plus the Isle of Man, because I
wor****p Mannanan Mac Lir, the god of The Irish Sea. He protects the
coastline of not just Ireland, but the ENTIRE British Isles (and the
many islands surrounding her like a Wreath Of Glory), by riding along
the shores up and down, east and west, with his armored steed Enbarr,
racing over the waves, leaving sea foam in the wake of its flinty
hooves! Hmmm...Christians wor****p a MAN who walks on water, but we
Celts have a magical HORSE that does! Reminds me of the joke I heard
years ago, of a Native American medicine man who just learned that
white man put one of their own on the moon. "What's the big deal?" The
handsome warrior brave wags his lowered head in pity, glossy-tight
ribboned braids cascading over those noble shoulders and valient chest
that languidly swells and flattens like the cool marble of the Statue
of David suddenly come to life, takes his first breath in your arms!
"I go there every night" he finishes, kissing you with great passion,
all over your neck and face: the wild impulse of a red beast unsullied
by white man's ways...something not even a handsome buck on the ol'
homestead could satisfy! ALL destinies above this one get swept up,
too.
- AIDS mutates into a RABIDLY pro-queer virus that ravages the bodies
and minds ONLY of those who harbor homophobic notions. In the short
span of less than three years, all breeders have been eliminated from
earth, leaving only us LGBT&Q's behind. Angels descend from their
UFO's (Unidentified FLAMBOYANT Objects, mind you) to assist GayKind in
building a Better World...a world in which ZEKE rules. Zeke jacks off
every time he thinks about the day he wrested ALL media networks, and
took over the planet! ALL destinies above this one get swept up, too.
- Destiny sweeps me up. It's the Intergalactic Sanitation Engineer
Robot #1763-ASD-01 (v. 3.4) come to wipe away all useless and annoying
debris from planet earth. ALL destinies above this one get swept up,
too.
- All of the above, and so much more.
Well, we'll simply have to wait and see. But my ADORABLE guardian
angels (12 total, with ditzy RANDOLPH in command) are EMPHATIC that
this breakthrough will be EXTRAORDINARY, and mesmerize the entire
world! And it will be very VERY good for all homo***uals and their
allies.
Maybe I'll have a home on Prince Edward Island!
--
Zeke Krahlin
www.gay-bible.org
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